Too Long To Tweet- Thoughts on Life That You Didn’t Ask For

1) Walking a dog in high heels screams “I have a death wish.” This morning I took Scout out before I left for work and was at a full 45 degree angle the entire time. She gets so damn excited by squirrels and has no regard for my springy desire for wedges.

2) In related news- I realized last night that, in my head, my dog’s inner dialogue is teen-angst Sally Draper. It is not lost on me, that this is probably because I identify so closely with Sally’s snarkiness. Several times in last night’s Mad Men premiere, I was absolutely giddy about her mean-ness.

Gems included:

“She acts like she’s 25 just because she uses tampons…”

“First of all… I don’t know why you’re counting my meals…” (Said to her “I-Eat-My-Feelings,” formerly fat, mother.)

But I think Cosmopolitan’s digital director, Abby Gardner, put it best…

3) Melissa McCarthy throwing a toaster at her “basketball players” was the highlight of my Saturday night. And Sunday morning. And the other 6 times I’ve watched this video.

4) I’m so super pale that a walk on the canal and an outdoor beer left me a rosey red color that screams- Why is this girl not outdoors more? Is she related to Casper the Friendly Ghost? Why the hell did she choose an oddly cut v-neck that has created tan (burn) lines on her, inopportune for any other top she might want to wear?

5) Is there anything more ridiculously depressing than accidentally wearing a really cute outfit on a day of boring? And, I know, I know, we should dress for fabulous every day. Insert Coco Chanel or Audrey Hepburn quote here. WHATEVER. That’s not who I am. I’m the girl who, if she had her choice (and it were socially acceptable), would live in v-neck t-shirt and stretchy work out capris (While not working out at all. Instead, maybe eating something). So when I happen to put together an outfit that makes me feel particularly kick ass, and I have nothing but BLAH that day? I get irrationally bitter and feel like I’ve been somehow cheated.

6) Stop bitching at me for live tweeting tv shows. It’s not my fault you’re not watching it. As far as I’m concerned, the joy of viewing TV shows with a large social following, is as much about the social experience as the content. (In some cases, i.e. The Bachelor, with no redeeming content value of its own, the social component is the only reason I tune in.) So if you’re NOT watching the show? You should probably stop refreshing your Twitter feed.

(Of Note: This is advice I have to follow myself. If I get sucked into something else during Scandal, I purposefully avoid Twitter all evening. And if I don’t? I’m obligated to not yell at Tweet-ers for spoiling it. It’s social media. I’m aware of know how it works.)

7) My “I Have a Dog” post received a ton of hits last week. Thanks for that, random people who don’t usually read my blog, and probably aren’t reading this mess. I must say- this post started out, seeming like a super good way to share the random thoughts I had that were too long for Twitter and too short for individual blog posts. Now I may just be rambling…

In related news, I’m also writing a weekly column of sorts for twentysomething Indy, an online magazine with so many articles far more interesting than anything I would say. But, in the event you happen to read this, and are insane enough to think “GOD. I just can’t get enough of her. I NEED more,” feel free to click away. Highlight? I have my own logo. I’m pretty proud of that.

That’s all for now people. Have a lovely start to your week.

I’m having a What Would Jesus Do moment.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written here.

I almost wrote its been a long time since I had rage but as my family, friends and next door neighbors who sometimes probably hear me yell can confirm, that’s just not true.

It’s just that, with all the election stuff, with being busy at work and being busy working on my New Years resolution of saying yes more, I’ve been far more busy doing than writing.

Until today.

As I scrolled through my Twitter timeline this morning, something I do several times in a day, a tweet caught my eye.

It read, “Addison [the tweeter's daughter] just saw a rainbow flag in a neighbor’s yard and said, “I want one of those in my bedroom.” Oh the challenges of parenting today.”

I debated a lot about responding to the Tweeter, but I do not follow him, nor do I know him personally. I also thought about posting the actual tweet here and linking to the Tweeter on here- his account is public which signifies to me that he is fine with being open about what he is teaching his child.

But my anger isn’t really about him, specifically. Nor do I think that my feelings or my beliefs could affect his. So instead I turn here, where I turn in moments of sheer frustration, to let it out.

First of all, there are only aren’t a lot of things I’d consider myself an expert in. Little girls? Totally one of them. Addison, whomever she may be, wants the flag because it’s pretty. It’s colorful and it’s bright and she wants that to decorate her bedroom because, if I had to guess, she loves bright colorful things the way most little girls do.

What this father did, through his reaction to her as well as broadcasting to the world through his tweet, is to give the impression that there is something wrong with flying a rainbow flag. He’s projected his intolerance and judgements onto what is arguably just a symbol, no different from the cross he may wear or the American flag outside of his house.

But I guess the real issue here is the larger implications, the ones his daughter couldn’t possibly understand yet.

The line from Dennis Leary’s stand up act that has been floating around the Internet (See Below.) immediately popped into my head as I thought about the world this man is creating for his child.

Because while Dennis Leary’s sentiment discusses race, the principle isn’t exclusive to it. Parent’s views shape children’s views and that goes for hate and intolerance of all forms. Intentionally or not this man just planted the seed that people- people who may be gay, may support gays, may have a son or daughter just like his who is gay are wrong. These people, willing to show their pride in who they are and the ongoing fight for equal rights, are bad and not just that, but they are to be avoided.

And to take it one step further, while I don’t know the child in question, I can’t help but wonder “What if?” What if that child someday realizes she’s gay? What if her best friend confides in her about his or her sexuality? Should her reaction to be to recoil as her father’s was at the mere mention of a rainbow flag? Should it be to cast this person out, as something she shouldn’t want in her life just as she was taught to over a simple flag? Why is this father making his daughter carry around the burden of his own judgement and discriminatory ways?

In the man’s Twitter bio, he quotes a popular Christian hymn, “Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love, Here’s my heart O, Take and seal it, Seal it for thy courts above.”

Can someone find me the passage of the bible that instructs us to judge our neighbors, to teach intolerance and to turn what is arguably a beautiful gift of nature and view it through the prism of hate? I seem to have misplaced my copy that contains that.

The Story of the Pineapple (Why I am, the way I am.)

I’m pretty open about the fact that there are things I struggle with. I’m also pretty open about the things I am incredibly passionate about.

I figure it’s who I am: the love of pop culture, the passionate political views, the time I spend discussing both. It’s what I care about and it defines me in the same ways my blonde hair and blue eyes do. (That’s a bit of a fib. Alright, my blue eyes and my desire to go to a hairdresser to maintain artificially created blonde hair. Whatever.)

And while I try to draw the line at using social media to share my every emotion or my every move, I absolutely don’t hesitate to share something I care about. I figure it’s part of the power of social media- the ability to pass it on.

But sometimes I’m reminded that my opinionated self frustrates people.

In addition to well thought out and interesting responses, I also have emails of snarky comments and borderline nasty retorts.

“It doesn’t always need to be you,” I was told. “You don’t have to be so up front about your opinions.”

You’re right. I don’t.

But it makes me think about when I was going through Miss Indiana prep. The term “fakey” was used about me more times than I can count as I went through those countless hours of interview prep. And I remember being PISSED.

THIS is who I am. This is what I think. And I’m up here and talking and that’s HARD. You get up here and speak- it’s not easy.

But looking back, THAT anger, THAT frustration is probably what was missing. I shouldn’t have yelled at the judges, or challenged them to an “interview off” but that sugary sweet girl? That’s not really me either and certainly not all the time.

What can I say? Like most of the human race, at one point or another, I wasn’t quite comfortable being me and certainly not comfortable saying exactly what I thought. I’d somehow convinced myself that in order to get through- I needed to play the part of someone else.

It wasn’t until well after that I unconsciously made the shift into just being me. I decided I was going to stop worrying so much who was going to be offended by what I say, what I think, what I want and just put it out there.

I like to think I still have a censor on this side of professional and, that at the very least, I am both fair and accurate. But I also hope, when someone looks at me- whether on social media or not, they get a pretty firm idea of who I am. And I have to remind myself, if someone takes issue with it, we probably weren’t a match to begin with.

It’s like the pineapple story.

If a pineapple sits between you and I- I love pineapple and you hate it, that feeling is a reflection of our person. My taste buds, my personal feelings, are being projected onto the pineapple, just as yours are. While I’m using energy loving it, and you hating it, the pineapple is the same. It is no better and no worse off.

It’s one of my favorite metaphors, for relationships, for friendships, for life. Because I can’t control what you think. I can only control me.

And for my sanity’s sake- I just can’t sweat the stupid.

In Conclusion…

I had it pointed out that I never really gave a conclusion to the Best Buy saga of 2011 (and 48 hours of 2012), nor did I give any real plan of action after my 2012-freak-out or wrap up some loose ends of my many inevitable social media rants. So today I bring you:

In Conclusion- 5 Things I Forgot to Finish

1) The Best Buy Saga

Thanks to another cord (cord #4) my tv is now in working order. For those of you “techies” who are curious, it took an audio cord, the kind you normally use in a car to hook up your iPod to get audio. The y-cord didn’t work because my tv doesn’t have an audio work around, allowing it to play analog sound, while displaying HD video. Thus, why I needed cord number 4. So it now works

Thank god for Dynex customer service.

Best Buy however is still on my list. They didn’t respond to my Twitter rant or my blog. Alright, some companies aren’t very strong in social media response. But they also didn’t respond to my Customer Service hotline complaint, my formal complaint or my email.

As far as I’m concerned THAT is inexcusable.

2) 2012 Plan of Attack

You read my 2012 blog entry right? (If not you probably should.)

And in it I very calmly outline some “vague” concerns for a new year and end with a very cheerful spin.

Perhaps, in non-blog form I was not as calm about the coming year/my life. And perhaps my concerns took shape more like a freak out. And perhaps in a series of text messages to my friend, I spewed about needing a project, needing something to work on, blah-blah-blah.

So my friend, the king of “fix-it” suggested I needed to adopt his own 2012 resolution and create a vision board.

Yep. Think Oprah. UGH.

And in his words: “You can use it as a brainstorming activity- To figure out what the next “something” to attack is. And then we’ll develop an action plan to achieve it.”

Of note: I disapprove of anyone using phrases like: ‘develop an action plan’ or ‘brainstorming activity’. But somehow, in a moment of weakness, I signed on to this activity. And now I’m making a Hobby Lobby stop tonight to begin putting together something that constitutes a vision board.

3) Iowa Caucus

I tweeted last night as I watched the results roll in and I’ve been listening to CNN updates today. Bachmann out, Perry soon to be, blah-blah-blah.

Can I remind everyone that Iowa, while exciting and an incredibly fun way to kick off the “election season” actually means very, VERY little? (Think 2008 election- Huckabee? Riiiiggght.) And that, unless you are Iowans who freaking love caucus time, everyone sort of knows the process is ludicrous?

Even CNN reporters were phoning that shit in last night. “Elections come down to geography,” explained one CNN commentator. “And votes.” Why yes sir, that is an election. This election, and every election, in just about any democracy. (Except Chicago. And Texas. They have entirely different government systems there.)

Then this morning, while watching The Today Show, they were talking to someone about how close the vote was. And the reporter pointed out that there was no way of doing a recall. First, there were no provisions for that in the Iowa Caucus format/rules. Second, in her words, “People wrote their votes on all sorts of things- scraps of paper, even the back of receipts.”

Say what???

And this is why, in conclusion, the Iowa Caucus is sort of useless.

4) The Bachelor

I was asked why I didn’t live tweet The Bachelor premiere these last couple days. Normally I enjoy taking advantage of any pop culture spectacle that is just so easy to mock. These girls are idiots- crying hysterically over a man they just met. There is a bizarre lack of diversity, not to mention differences in body size, types, etc. It’s just- exhausting.

And really who would ever have thought I would have standards? But as it turns out ABC is testing me.

My mom called last night to find out if I was watching Wife Swap Celebrity edition. It was that one pastor who got caught with a male hooker, doing blow and Gary Busey. They swapped partners, then filmed a tv show. And it was AWFUL. Or so I hear. I lasted about 30 seconds (insert joke here re: 30 seconds being how long Ted would have lasted with his male prostitute boyfriend.) before realizing this was the worst show known to man and moving on out of sheer repugnance.

So for the 3 of you who usually enjoy my pop culture ramblings- I just couldn’t stomach it this year. I’m sorry.

5) Awkward Social Media Conversations

It’s my own fault.

I’m overly mouthy. I enjoy making public social media statements. I’m a tad judgmental. And really enjoy sharing things I think are funny.

But in the last month I’ve had more people get confrontational over it than I ever have before.

My responses have varied:

• Sometimes, I’ve felt badly and edited my statement. I realized I was a bit harsh and adjusted accordingly.
• Sometimes I’ve responded in an equally mouthy way- I’ve felt my point was valid and got all indignant and uppity. (Irritating right? I’m sorry for that too.)
• And sometimes I just haven’t responded to at all because I thought the comment was too awkward for words.

But let it be said- I’m sorry. If I have in any way offended you (and you know me at all) you know it wasn’t intentional. I dislike the symptoms I bitch about, not the people.

My snark is meant to be well intentioned. And funny. And sometimes thoughtful.

Which also sort of sums up me.

The Road To I Do.

It’s the season for engagements and suddenly my Facebook newsfeed looks like an ad for Tiffany’s.

Each time I log on I see a new relationship status and a newly uploaded blurry “hand picture” attempting to show off a newly acquired rock. (For the love of god ladies- learn how to tap focus on those smartphones.)

A couple weeks ago I logged onto a popular social media interest site, to see a just engaged friend busily “pinning” all of her future wedding plans. (A popular thing to use it for, I know. But I swear you just called me hours ago. I’m not even the one planning the wedding and I’m already exhausted.)

Who has the time, or desire, to begin planning minutes after the rock is officially on your finger? Shouldn’t you be still enjoying the excitement of engagement?

And part of my skepticism is simply because I’ve never been a “wedding” type girl. I haven’t been planning for the “perfect dress” or the “perfect day” since I was three. I don’t have a secret box of wedding clippings and I haven’t been busily Pinning things or pouring over the most recent issue of Bridal Monthly.

As much as I try, to excitedly congratulate friends, to act thrilled as they begin to sort through all of their glittery, lacy wedding dreams, I can’t shake the Ick-Factor. I can’t make my inner cynic shut up long enough to push this feeling aside.

(Full disclosure: I don't know them. Fully anonymous. Picture carnered thanks to a Google Search:)

Are your engagement pictures really meaningful snap shots of your love? Or overdone, cliched poses where you stood awkwardly to create a heart with your hands? Or feet? Or arms? (Really, photographers? We get it. They are in love. And hopefully you can capture that. But I don’t know that they PHYSICALLY need to form their body into some sort of bendy boney heart for their love to be seen on camera.)

And I have no doubt that these young couples love their future-spouse. I have no doubt they are excited at the idea of getting married. But I always wonder if marriage will live up to this hyped up vision for a single day. Perhaps we should blame the child-of-divorce in me, or my inherent cynicism, or maybe just the odds of successful marriages but I can’t help but think- Will the excitement be the same for husband #2? Or 3? Or 4?

I’ve done some self reflection and the unrealistic expectation I myself am obligated to claim involves a damn good engagement ring. Think about it- As a girl, it’s the piece of jewelry you are obligated to wear, day in and day out for your whole life. It should be pretty awesome then, right?

A prett-ily captured ring. Thanks to one of the countless people's dream wedding "plans". (Once Again: I don't know this hand- Still fully anonymous thanks to a search of Pinterest for "engagement rings."

Other than that, my entire wedding expectations involve a guy I’m pretty crazy about and the glittering lights of the Vegas strip.

Oh I know elopement isn’t for everyone. Heck, my future husband may hate the idea. (Don’t worry, I will wear him down. I’m VERY persuasive.)

And I also realize there are exceptions- beautiful, personal and heartfelt weddings. Ones that celebrate a relationship, not a single day. But as my social media drowns in countless signs of young-weddings and oh-so-competitive brides I keep wondering- is a culture of Platinum Weddings and keeping up with the others, is the wedding culture taking away the importance of the days, weeks and months after the “perfect” day?

If God hated gays, he wouldn’t have made them so awesome. Or such fabulous dancers.

These last few days have been video-filled.

First, the new Dark Knight Rises trailer came out and I just couldn’t stop watching it. Everything about it looks awesome. And even for those of you who don’t want to like it, you will. Because it’s going to be awesome and epic. And mostly you’ll succumb to peer pressure. Because let’s be honest- everyone’s ass will end up standing in line for those tickets. Even my mom. Who I forced to watch the first one.

Then this morning, as I was getting ready for work, they played a video on The Today Show of a cat petting a baby to sleep. We all know how much I hate cats, but seriously- doesn’t this beg so many questions? Has the cat done this before? Were the parents just sitting around watching the baby cry and decided to see what the cat would do? Or was the cat just like: Why are you such bad parents letting this brat scream?? Make it SHUT UP. And wouldn’t this further prove my theory that cats know stuff?? They know. Which would further explain why they come and rub themselves on my very allergic self. And now, in desperate need of a lunchtime break, I discovered The 12 Gays of Christmas on YouTube. This video includes at least 2 of my top 5 favorite things in life- Gays & Dancing. Plus I’m drinking a Diet Coke as I type, which means we’re now up to 3.

Seriously- How awesome is this video? Doesn’t it just fill you with a festive spirit? Cause it should. And below the video someone posted- If God hated gays so much, he definitely wouldn’t have made them so awesome, which really sums up everything this video made me feel.

Who’s in for learning the dance with me?

To The People of Indianapolis-

So by now, if you live in Indianapolis, read media from the Indianapolis area, or perhaps enjoy your news in snark form,  you’ve heard about the Indianapolis “Super Bowl Shuffle” debacle of 2011.

It’s a mess. It was a mess of an idea, it was a failure in strategy and after people complained- the response by the ICVA was arguably faulty. When people complain, especially when they do so from a place of caring, the best response usually doesn’t include “Well you’re wrong too. So there.” (I’m paraphrasing of course.)

The video was pulled from YouTube. In a short time the citizen’s of Indianapolis will forget and we’ll all move on to have a wonderful Super Bowl and continue to have a wonderful Indianapolis.

But let’s put a different spin on this:

A group, representing Indianapolis, posted a video that a culture savvy, social media active, impassioned group of Indianapolis citizens didn’t like. It wasn’t a question of impropriety or crudeness- they didn’t like the message they felt it sent about a community that already battles an unfair rap of being sleepy and behind the times.

And this group spoke up- en masse.

I think that’s a really wonderful thing. The community has so much to be proud of- I am constantly surprised by the opportunities that can be found in Indianapolis. There is so much arts and culture- In a week’s time I will have seen a pre-release screening (Young Adults) and a Sundance Festival Film Award Winner (Being Elmo). I’m not special- we’re lucky to have amazing film festivals (Heartland. Indianapolis LGBT. Indianapolis International.) and that doesn’t even mention the museums, the art, the plays, the musicals. There are truly amazing local restaurants, wonderful shopping and great sporting events. There is real diversity here and it’s impossible to wander around in any number of places without seeing that.

We want ALL that reflected.

And I love that Indy’s un-official ambassadors of awesome were outraged that we would be represented as anything less, with something so patently uncool.

The collective message ran something like:

“Indy’s better than that. The rest of the country deserves to see just how wonderful we are. Suck it.”

But what I’m hoping is, that all those who took time to complain- don’t forget to take time to continue to invest in Indianapolis. Complaining is easy. Look at Rush Limbaugh. Bill O’Reilly. The Crier.

And you know, complaining is even easier when in reference to something so easily mock-able. Look at me and the Republican Presidential Race.

It’s easy to have a reaction, when something is just… bad. Like this uncomfortable spectacle of television.

Ick.

Anyways, it’s less easy to strive to make an actual impact. So, for all the complainers, myself included- volunteer. Give back. Go. Do. Invest. Spend money locally. Make your voice count ALL the time, for a city we can all agree, is pretty awesome.

 

Why yes, future son or daughter, that is me bent over a toilet…

When I was younger I used to love going through my mom’s things. I remember pouring over letters, papers, notes that she had kept from her grade school days- I loved seeing the present from her first boyfriend, the pictures of her high school sweetheart and thinking how glamorous she looked in her dance team shots. (That takes skill- her high school team wore sequin leotards and headdresses, politcal correctness be damned. Not many people can look as gorgeous as she did sporting lycra and feathers, trust me.)

It was fun, especially because growing up, Mom and I had our differences. Getting the chance to look back and connect with a younger, relatable Mom was something I treasured.

Enter the internet.

My life, my exes, and my oh so unfortunate chubby phase (See Below) are all OUT there. Unless aliens come down, throw Mark Zuckerberg off a bridge and crash Facebook, never to be seen again, I don’t see any avoiding that.

Beyond unfortunate... Although I was nice enough to leave out the beyond unfortunate ex-boyfriend as well.

For our kids, Social Media won’t be something their parents were introduced to for business, or use to keep up with their family. And for the 40-something version of ourselves, Social Media won’t be a part of our lives, but a constant documentation of our lives.

The Millenials are the first generation who will raise children that can Google their parent’s age-parallel web content and I can’t help but wonder how that will change the parenting process.

What is “our” response when our child reads our poor grammar as we go off on “bitches”?

What about a phase of self exploration, a tendency towards one night stands or the broadcasting of  ”Single Girl Problems”?  (See Below. This video is EPIC.)

It’s funny, because it’s true.

Right now, what are people finding every time someone Google searches you?

Is that how you WANT your past remembered?

New Life Goal- Westboro’s Hit List

I’ve decided I want to be picketed by Westboro Baptist Church. At the very least, I want something I’m involved in to be picketed. And here’s why.

The things, people, and events Westboro protest are awesome. And not just a little awesome, but epically, life changing-ly awesome. So, in order to be on the right side of history, I want to be on the same side as the below list of things protested by Westboro Baptist Church.

1. Betty Ford

She was a first lady who talked openly about abortions, premarital sex, women’s rights and depression. She made women’s issues not something whispered about behind closed doors. She took her power and started a dialogue. Watch this video and I promise you’ll have a new found respect for her.

2. Lady Gaga

They protest her concerts and shows. Apparently she’s responsible for rallying the damned homosexuals. They hate her. She loves gays. That seems like a good enough reason for me to love her.

3. Soldiers

You’d think this would be a universally agreeable thing. Because oddly, what their fighting for, what they protect, includes Westboro’s ability to protest. You’d think they’d be grateful. Or at the least, respectful. Apparently it doesn’t work that way for WBC.

4. Gays

I guess this topic is covered in conjunction with the fabulous comedienne category as well as Gaga. But, let’s be honest, who’s more fabulous than gays? Especially when, in counterprotest to WBC’s horrendous “God Hates Fags” signs, they make these gems.

I have to say though, of all the pictures I’ve seen, I believe the one below is the one that makes me smile the most. I wish I could grab the nearest guy and join these love birds in a screw-you-make-out-session. Sadly, as I am a female, that would do nothing to get Westboro’s pantys’ in a twist. I guess I’ll just have to applaud other’s efforts.

5. Twitter

I’m still unclear how this is unholy or devilish, but apparently they have been protesting Twitter headquarters. Oh well, I love Twitter and so does the rest of the world. Suck it.

6. Jews

Yep, they hate Jews.

I, on the other hand, happen to like Jews. A lot actually. I’ve worked for them, been born into a family with all sorts of fun jewish connections, and am fairly certain I could have been Jewish in a past life or something. (I actually had that suggested to me by a very old Jewish man who was sharing with me why he thought I was interested in Judaism. It was a very fun conversation. Perhaps later, I’ll take suggestions for what I could have possibly been in a previous life. I’m favoring some sort of ninja perhaps. Or a rebellious princess daughter- think Jasmine, from Alladin.)

As an added plus for the Jewish people, I find them FAR less judgmental than their Christian counterparts Hey Westboro. Next time you’re out protesting the Jews, maybe you should take notes.

7. Rocking Female Comedienne (Kathy Griffin. Lisa Lampanelli. Etc.)

These women are amazing in their own right as hilarious and ballsy comedienne. When you add to that the fact that they are happily telling Westboro where to suck it, they are my idols.

At a recent concert, that WBC was set to protest, Lisa donated money for each protestor in attendance to Gay Men’s Health Crisis for each WBC. You gotta love sticking it to them while also helping out a worthy cause.

8. Nerds?

Yep. For reasons far out of my scope of understanding WBC showed up at ComiCon with signs (See Below) saying God hated Nerds. I’m pretty sure I could be a Nerd category, I have my moments of VERY nerdy. Not to mention the fact that I cannot think of any conceivable reasoning for why God would hate ComiCon nerds. I mean really, how could they possibly have a problem with abstinate young men, living in their mom’s basement, playing Dungeon’s and Dragons for 18 hours a day?

How To Get Yourself Unfriended (Unfollowed, Blocked, etc.)

5 of the most irritating things you can do on Social Media

1. Every one of your posts is about your boyfriend/bff/soulmate/life partner

If I wanted to know about their every move, I’d follow them. Also, what this illustrates is that you have no life. That’s sad.

2. Your posts outline your daily beauty regime

I don’t care when you buy a new nailpolish, how long it took you to do your hair or an account of everytime you go shopping.

3. You make it impossible to stalk you

Let’s be honest, part of the draw of social media is the ability to stalk. So when you get engaged I want ring pictures, when you have a new job I want the name of the company so I can do a google search. Without the ability to scrutinize and judge, whats the point of endless hours on Facebook?

4. Your feed reads like a personal self help guide

Tomorrow is another day, God only gives us what we can handle, you’re having a hard time but you can make it through. Tell yourself, don’t tell me.

5. You know phone sex? Welcome to Social Media sex.

Some of the pictures, quotes, comments, might seem precious. We’ve all been so in love when even the most ridiculous things seem adorable. But when it crosses over into images of your tongue in someones mouth? I feel like I need a cigarette and a shower.