In just 24 hours the American people, who could tear themselves away from The Bachelor (I know it was hard, there’s constant intellectual wonderings- Do these women have some sort of attachment disorder that causes them to “love” so quickly? Why are men always attracted to the crazy one? Why is Ben’s hair so sad?) will have been able to witness not one but TWO major political events.
Ok. One semi-major event (The State of the Union) and one mind-numbingly repetitive one (Another GOP Debate).
Either way- as I was watching the GOP debate last night, and as I contemplate the inevitable that will occur during tonight’s The State of The Union, I began to think:
What if we gave some pageantry pizazz to these lackluster and sometimes painful political events?
- Begin with a snazzy dance number- At the debates, they do these ridiculous openings, complete with flashing lights and “contestant” introductions. Great- they are on the beauty queen track. But let’s pump this up a bit. Nothing would compare to three WASP-y white men and one tiny Texan, dancing to Shake That. Plus, perhaps working with their choreographer Juan will open their horizons, make them a little more accepting of an alternative life style. I mean it seems to be working for Michelle Bachmann’s husband…
- Cut Away Shots- Think about how much more “real” the event would be if when a candidate talks about his “middle class” background, we could see pics of them. It would help us make connections! And while Mitt goes on and on about the working middle class, we would see him on his first yacht or throwing around his first hundred- because really, what young person who doesn’t go through those time honored traditions?
- Disney!- Since once again, Miss America has found its home on ABC, this year we saw the contestants frolicking about in the magical world of Disney. I remember when I was younger thinking how badly I wanted to be a contestant, just for a free trip to Disney World, hanging out with all those gorgeous gals. Cut to tonight- when members of one side of Congress will act like they have perpetual springs in their ass, while the other side, will have looks on their faces like they have been sucking down lemons. (See Below. Could John Boehner look anymore pissed to be clapping?)
What if, at the end of the evening tonight, we got to see shots of congressmen riding Splash Mountain, Senators spinning on the Tea Cups, and President Obama and John Boehner running, hand in hand with Mickey Mouse, castle in the background, showing the pure joy that only Walt Disney’s magic can bring? Wouldn’t we all have a little more hope for America?
- Give Um’ The Ol’ Razzle Dazzle- The Miss America contestants are talented. Just ask the future doctors, lawyers, teacher and professionals who have all been a part of the program. But oh- do these girls like their rhinestones. The Miss America contestants will put rhinestones on anything- even their posteriors, which really can’t be comfortable. I can only imagine that’s what has happened in the below picture- she slipped, fell and is not butt-jumping from the pain of a rhinestoned-ass. (Full disclosure: she was a jump-roper. I’ve heard her talent is actually pretty awesome. And I would decorate EVERYTHING with rhinestones. And pretty much have.) BUT I DIGRESS.
If only, just once, the people at the State of the Union could show up in full ball gowns, the men in bedazzled suits. We would rate them, not just for the intelligent people they are, but their poise, physical fitness and use of bling to highlight their “ass”-ets. State of the Union- win.
- Last but not least- A Crowning Moment to Remember In the State of the Union there are rarely winners. Commentators of the left praise new visions set forth by President Obama and commentators on the right swear he’s putting an end to “Our here free-doms with his socialist, communist, math-doin ways.” Everyone sort of loses in this scenario except those at home, playing State of the Union Drinking games. They are winners. BUT, in the debates, there are undeniably winners- specifically those who manage to come out seeming even slightly saner than the people next to them. Thus, we need a crowning damn it, as well as family members rushing the stage. This mean- next debate that ol’ Newt wins, we march wife 1, 2 AND 3 out on stage. Talk about fireworks- we won’t need pyrotechnics when we have the tension of all three of those women, huddled around for Newt’s big moment.
Take a cue from last year’s Outstanding Actress crew- everyone loves a good crowning. And some humor. And some not-being-awful. Let’s work on this shall we?