Too Long To Tweet- Thoughts on Life That You Didn’t Ask For

1) Walking a dog in high heels screams “I have a death wish.” This morning I took Scout out before I left for work and was at a full 45 degree angle the entire time. She gets so damn excited by squirrels and has no regard for my springy desire for wedges.

2) In related news- I realized last night that, in my head, my dog’s inner dialogue is teen-angst Sally Draper. It is not lost on me, that this is probably because I identify so closely with Sally’s snarkiness. Several times in last night’s Mad Men premiere, I was absolutely giddy about her mean-ness.

Gems included:

“She acts like she’s 25 just because she uses tampons…”

“First of all… I don’t know why you’re counting my meals…” (Said to her “I-Eat-My-Feelings,” formerly fat, mother.)

But I think Cosmopolitan’s digital director, Abby Gardner, put it best…

3) Melissa McCarthy throwing a toaster at her “basketball players” was the highlight of my Saturday night. And Sunday morning. And the other 6 times I’ve watched this video.

4) I’m so super pale that a walk on the canal and an outdoor beer left me a rosey red color that screams- Why is this girl not outdoors more? Is she related to Casper the Friendly Ghost? Why the hell did she choose an oddly cut v-neck that has created tan (burn) lines on her, inopportune for any other top she might want to wear?

5) Is there anything more ridiculously depressing than accidentally wearing a really cute outfit on a day of boring? And, I know, I know, we should dress for fabulous every day. Insert Coco Chanel or Audrey Hepburn quote here. WHATEVER. That’s not who I am. I’m the girl who, if she had her choice (and it were socially acceptable), would live in v-neck t-shirt and stretchy work out capris (While not working out at all. Instead, maybe eating something). So when I happen to put together an outfit that makes me feel particularly kick ass, and I have nothing but BLAH that day? I get irrationally bitter and feel like I’ve been somehow cheated.

6) Stop bitching at me for live tweeting tv shows. It’s not my fault you’re not watching it. As far as I’m concerned, the joy of viewing TV shows with a large social following, is as much about the social experience as the content. (In some cases, i.e. The Bachelor, with no redeeming content value of its own, the social component is the only reason I tune in.) So if you’re NOT watching the show? You should probably stop refreshing your Twitter feed.

(Of Note: This is advice I have to follow myself. If I get sucked into something else during Scandal, I purposefully avoid Twitter all evening. And if I don’t? I’m obligated to not yell at Tweet-ers for spoiling it. It’s social media. I’m aware of know how it works.)

7) My “I Have a Dog” post received a ton of hits last week. Thanks for that, random people who don’t usually read my blog, and probably aren’t reading this mess. I must say- this post started out, seeming like a super good way to share the random thoughts I had that were too long for Twitter and too short for individual blog posts. Now I may just be rambling…

In related news, I’m also writing a weekly column of sorts for twentysomething Indy, an online magazine with so many articles far more interesting than anything I would say. But, in the event you happen to read this, and are insane enough to think “GOD. I just can’t get enough of her. I NEED more,” feel free to click away. Highlight? I have my own logo. I’m pretty proud of that.

That’s all for now people. Have a lovely start to your week.

5 Hotties That Make Daddy Issues Amazing.

Some might say, perhaps, that an absent father has contributed to my love of older men.

I mean, I would never say that. Never. I would like to think I’m reformed from acting out on such issues.

But when my friend agreed with Jon Hamm as an undeniable hottie in a recent post, it was followed with: “You know this is our daddy issues at play… Right?”

So in celebration of the daddy issues I may or may not have:

5 Hotties I’d Happily Have Daddy Issues For

5) George Clooney

Cliche right? I know. But he gets better with age. Yum.

4) Martin Sheen

I realize about half of the readers are going to be saying “Ick Ick icky” about this one, and that’s fine. But you have to watch The West Wing to really GET this one. President Bartlett is the ULTIMATE father figure and while I could happily comment on the more obvious Sam Seaborn or the intellectual route with Josh Lyman, in the name of the list’s theme, I think I should admit my odd attraction to the ever wise, and ever dreamy Josiah.

3) Jon Stewart

What can I say? I like my men smart. And grey. And perhaps a tad bit Jewish. Deal with it.

2) Shemar Moore

At 41 and not greying, I decided that he and Taye Diggs did not constitute the “daddy issue” list. Then, in a moment of weakness, I Googled Shemar, found the below pic and thought “Sweet Jesus.” There was some drooling that followed that.

Then he went on the list. At 41, he could have fathered me at 19, thus making him a suitable and so-damn-dreamy candidate for this list. Ugh.

1) Jon Hamm

He is the cause for this list. And… Just look at him. It’s SO good.

If I were to round out my top ten, the other 5, in no particular order would be: Chris Noth, Taye Diggs, Cary Grant, Aaron Sorkin and Barack Obama. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I think the President of the ACTUAL free world is less hot than the president of the imaginary West Wing America.

It’s my blog, it’s my list.

If you have any additions, let me know.

And you know what? If all “Daddy Issue decisions” looked as good as the above ones, instead of unfortunately hooking up with the guy who is uncomfortably too old, the world would be a happier place.

Enjoy!

Why hello, November 10th- So much has happened.

As a late lunch break I bring you:

The Top 5 Things on My Mind.

Today’s quick run down of things on my mind- ranging from profoundly sad to… Brady. Enjoy!

1) Penn State

This is one of those situations I usually avoid writing about because there is so much- grey. I mean we all, universally, can agree that child molestation is bad. We can all agree something had to be done. But then there is all sorts “yeah-but” dialogue that comes into play as people debate where the fault lies, as well as the legacy of the program in the future.

I don’t care about the football program or some coach. Instead I keep thinking about the kids this happened to.

As those college students march around… shouting their love of Coach Paterno, I wonder if they would still be protecting their beloved coach if they had known the children abused. What if it had happened to them? Wouldn’t they want someone to speak up?

A radio sports personality said you can’t put too much stock into the rants of college students, they are stupid.

I disagree. College students protested the war in Vietnam, the segregation of races and proudly voted for the first African-American president, who they felt spoke to their future. College students tend to be liberal, not because of stupidity, but because at that age the practicality of bureaucracy and wealth has yet to set in and instead, they vote for social issues- their personal right and wrong.

And I wish that sense of giving a voice to the voiceless is what these Penn State students were rallying around.

No child, in any circumstance, should be taken advantage of. And whatever has to happen within the workings of a university, whoever is ultimately found guilty and whoever is cleared of wrong doing- the children are the victims. Not a football team. Not a community of students.

2) Rick Perry

I have never loved him more than I do right now.

If I’d been there, when he said “Oops.” I’m pretty sure I would have hopped the stage and kissed him. This is priceless on top of fun on top of crazy. LOVE IT.

3) Kissing. And Coworkers who can’t stop talking.

I went to an IndyHub event last night at the Libertine. It was sort of an experiment in being an adult because I usually hate anything in a group setting, especially with people I don’t know. Luckily I dragged a few coworkers along, as my desire to try the much raved about bar as well as order my first Old Fashioned (think Mad Men here ladies and gents. It’s not something you can order just anywhere- Places that serve drinks in plastic cups don’t quite fit the mood for an Old Fashioned, now do they?) was just too great to pass up this chance.

We find a table in the crowded bar that would seat the three of us, leaving an empty seat, for a fourth.

We attraced some dreamy man, independently wealthy, wanting to sweep us off our feet and cater to our every whim.

Or, we attracted a woman, Virginia, who looked, at the very least, a bit out of place in the bar of 20-somethings still sporting their business casual outfits. After the usual, and sometimes unusual, questions she began asking about our first kiss and asks what we would do if, at 30, we had never been kissed. At this point my oh-so-lovely coworkers begin mocking this concept in today’s world, only to have Virginia explain that, she, herself, at 30, had yet to be kisses.

Open mouth. Insert foot. Awesome.

She has plans to “auction off” her first kiss for charity.

Think I’m making this up? She writes a blog called The Kiss Chronicles, which I had pulled up on my phone 30 seconds after she mentioned it.

I have a ton of questions for her, some of which include a more judgmental tone than they should. Seriously?? NEVER been kissed??

But, as I drove home last night, I realized Virginia had gotten to me. I couldn’t stop thinking of first: Kisses. Relationships. Moments I’d like to request a do-over for. Firsts I would like to have.

Do you have a great first kiss story? A favorite kiss? A great I-just-stuck-my-foot-in-my-mouth-by-implying-someone-was-a-freak story? Share away. 

p.s. Libertine? Great. Coworkers? Fun. Win. Win. Win.

4. Perhaps you’ve heard of the Great 72 Day Wedding right? And Beiber’s supposed Baby Mama? 

Let’s watch 3 adorable people set all this fun to song. (You’ll have to watch it at the below link- I just can’t find it any where else. It’s worth it though- promise.

http://www.aoltv.com/2011/11/10/eric-stonestreet-brad-paisley-carrie-underwood-kardashian-video/

Don’t you just wanna kiss them all? And look like/sing like/be Carrie Underwood? Just me? Ok.

5) Greg Brady.

Bet you didn’t see that coming. Neither did I actually. But then I saw this video on Gawker today and it was just so freaking hilarious that he was added to today’s list.

He is also further proof of why girls shouldn’t marry the “pretty” guys. Why? Because, with age, they turn into narcissistic morons who have never gotten past their glory years of pretty-dom because they didn’t have to.  Living the dream buddy, living the dream.

Bonus- Snatch and Grab

I am writing this as I inhale my lunch, before getting back to work in the land of Holiday press excitement.

The office has been discussing “holiday party” plans including the potential for a “Snatch and Grab.”

There is nothing funny about this term. It is in no way dirty or perverse, it is actually intended to be a classier name than “Dirty Santa” or the unexplainable term, “White Elephant.”

That has not stopped me however from mentally making Herman Cain-esque jokes. Snatch? Grab? Fine, maybe this is just funny in my head.

Taylor’s Rules For Dating

Isn’t it funny how sometimes things come up over and over in your life?

You know, you hear something once and you figure, it’s just this instance. You hear it again and perhaps cringe a bit more. Then, if you’re like me, by the time you hear it the third time, you’re in a full blown snit (Snit? Does anyone else, besides the Schaffer women, use that word?) and find yourself furiously typing on your phone, mid lunch break as you shop for produce at City Market and wait for you DELICIOUS Spicy Sesame Tacos at the West Coast Taco truck.

Here’s the deal ladies and gentlemen. And Grandma. Can’t forget Grandma, wouldn’t know what a blog is, but initially began this conversation.

I have gay friends. Actually several of my best friends, happen to be gay. I’m not sure why that is, as they have little else in common other than that. Well, that and their general love for me, of course. My friend Matt, who is particularly baffled by my ability to become friends with any gay in a 5 mile radius, has suggested that I’m actually a gay man trapped in a little girl’s body. This entrapment, apparently, causes a magnet like reaction where gays can’t help but locate me, and then love me.

Or perhaps I have a light I’m unaware of that acts as a beacon of welcoming and show tunes. You know- like a light house. A sparkly, fabulous, perhaps rainbow colored, light house. (I tease. Sort of.)

Either way, I have a habit of developing close friendships with gay men.

And, as you’ll recall, after my birthday celebration, my grandma informed my mother that this trait would deter me from ever finding a husband. Oh Grandma, I thought at the time, I am fairly certain you still think “the gays” consist primarily of your hair stylist, the nice man in the shoe department of Nordstrom, and what you see on Bravo TV. Most of them are not screaming queens, although, God love the fierceness of those that are.

Instead, gays, much like any other segment of the population, come in all shapes, sizes, races and with a variety of personal likes and dislikes. Who would choose not to date someone because of one quality some of their friends might posses?

But then, to my shock and surprise, I’ve since had this sentiment echoed by others. Seriously??

So, as a public service announcement, let’s be clear on the following dating points:

1. If you are not “man enough” to approach me when I am out with gay friends, because you find it intimidating, uncomfortable or off putting, I wouldn’t want you to approach me. In general. Ever.
2. If you are so misguided that my gay friends are in some way threatening to you, not only would I not want to date you, I want your brain checked. It is far more complex for a girl to have a bevy of straight male friends, than gay ones. In straight guy/girl relationships someone usually wants someone/ has wanted someone/ has or will at one point make out with each other. It’s not that straight men and women cannot be friends, it just inevitably has been OR will be complicated. With gay friends, it is simply different. We may be incredibly close. We may hug or dance together or on occasion hold hands. But trust me, we are not, nor would we EVER end up together.

We both fantasize about Jon Hamm. And Ryan Renolds. (All the Ryans really- Ryan Phillippe. Ryan Gosling. Pick a Ryan.) And sometimes Neil Patrick Harris. (What? I find his HIMYM character, Barnie, charming. And sort of sexy.)

3.  But I can assure you, never gonna happen with each other.Don’t stereotype. It’s offensive. I have gay friends who love sports and couldn’t name a musical or fashion designer if they tried. So when you try to make conversation with them don’t act like they live on a foreign planet called Liza Minelli. Instead, try talking to him like you would any other human being.

4. When my gay friends talk to you, compliment you, make general conversation, they may be sizing you up, but they will not, in any way, take advantage of you. In case your health class failed to mention this- Homosexuality is not like cooties and it does not rub off. Perhaps, if you are that concerned with the proximity of a gay man to your person? It’s not their sexuality that’s concerning, it’s your own.

5. Lastly, in the same way I will be cool with your friends, I need you to be cool with mine. I am comfortable enough to say: this is who I am and these are the people who happen to be my friends. And some of those friends? Some of them are gay. See, I won’t judge you because your idiot best friend from college still talks about the “night he got so drunk at the most awesome party ever ” and in exchange, so you can’t judge me for the trait’s my best friend possesses. Actually? You have to like him, for the sheer fact that I love him and he has been there. Through EVERYTHING.

Please deal accordingly.

And to the girls of the world, who love having a gay best friend, but don’t want to go out with him, for fear you won’t be hit on: If a man is too uncomfortable by the presence of gay man to hit on you? If he thinks perhaps you are too stupid to realize your friend is gay, or even worse, assumes you are desperate and that’s why you’re out with someone gay- Is that the type of guy you want to date? Because if it is, if you’re ok with that sort of bigotry by a potential mate? Then you can’t really call your gay friend a friend.

I wouldn’t THINK to ask a straight friend to act less straight. I wouldn’t pretend to like them less when a guy was around. That’s not what friendship is. And if your gay bestie is nothing more than a prop, borrowed out of Sex and the City, because having a gay best friend is the new must have accessory for a cutesy girl to go shopping with?

Then what you’re actually looking for is not friendship. It’s a handbag.