The fact that you too are spending your Tuesday evening glued to CNN, watching The Republican National Security Debate, should probably cause both of us to question our lives. But since we both find ourselves here, won’t you live blog with me?
8:03 p.m. The Introduction
First, how on earth did ol’ Newt get his wife? She’s sort of a hottie. He is not.
Second, I know CNN is obligated to pretend to be excited for all 8 candidates, but who are they kidding. They have to be reminded of several of the candidates names, at least twice a day.
8:05 The Parade of Contestants
In what brings me flashing back to “pageant” days- each of the Republican candidates, is introduced. They then walk out,
in their bathing suit, waving at the audience.
Can someone tell me why Michelle Bachmann was walking like Morticia Adams? Anyone?
8:08 The National Anthem
Sung by the lead of Jersey Boys? Now playing in Washington DC?
Who are we kidding- he’s gay, living with his boyfriend Chuck and giggling because he experienced some Santorum of his own last night.
Looks like all sorts of people are trying to be funny tonight.
Wolf explains that Wolf is ACTUALLY his name, Ron Paul pretends Republicans actually care about logic and Mitt clarifies that Mitt is actually his name too. This is met with no response.
None. Mitt’s attempts at funny just make EVERYONE feel awkward.
8:13 Michelle Bachmann’s Eye.
Is it just me or is she a bit cross eyed? And it seems to wander. Someone needs to call Peter.
8:16 Gingrich has no idea what’s going on. Ron Paul has some sense.
It’s odd. Newt says he’s studied this for years, but seems to have no idea what he’s talking about.
Ron Paul should really be a democrat.
8:18 Gingrich changes his mind.
Gingrich said, 2 minutes ago, that he wanted to preserve innocence of Americans until proven guilty.
Now, this might not be a good idea. Cause you know, you and I? We could be plotting to bomb something. Right now. Any suggestions on where to begin?
8:20 Bachmann feels non American’s have “no” rights.
I like him.
8:22 Mitt Romney Talked.
I fell asleep. I came to and he was still mumbling about something.
8:24 Abundant Good Sense
Perry used the phrase “abundant good sense”
Santorum wants us to find “The Bomber not The Bomb” I’d like to find the Santorum not the Santorum.
8:26 Let’s look at Muslims.
What if a politician got on stage and said ‘Let’s look at blacks. They might be up to no good.”
People’s head’s would BLOW off. So WHY are we openly saying, ‘Let’s stop putting white people through security. Just the Muslims.’
8:28 Wolf attempts to clarify the racism spewing out of Hermain Cain’s mouth.
Cain then forgot what Wolf’s name was.
‘I’m sorry Blitz. I meant Wolf. I was so distracted trying to come up with ways to put all Muslim people in a small box. Muslim-looking people too. Fuck. Anyone not really white or really black.’
8:30 Huntsman Speaks-
No one on stage knows any of the foreign dignitaries he just named.
8:32 Bachmann says she is answering the question.
You know when people say ‘No offense’ and then are incredibly offensive?
Yeah, it works very similarly with ‘I’m answering the question.’ And then not.
8:33 Perry feels Pakistan can’t be trusted.
I am pretty sure the reasoning here is because they are Muslim. Or not American. Or not from Texas.
8:36 Bachmann corrects Perry
You have to figure that Perry’s camp is currently swearing. Anytime Michelle-vaccines-cause-retardation-Bachmann is the sane one, there is an issue.
8:39 People clap for Huntsman
Yet not a one of them will vote for him.
Why? Because he doesn’t seem to hate Democrats. And Scientists. And everyone.
8:42 Newt doesn’t know what the rules are.
I love how they cut away to Newt’s wife. You can almost hear the camera men saying ‘Ugh. What a blow hard. Let’s look at how hot his wife is.’
8:43 Santorum agrees with Ron Paul
4 people applaud. Why? Because no one in that hall agrees with Ron Paul. Except Ron Paul. And probably the guy from Jersey Boys.
8:45 Commercial Break.
Thank god. I’m pooped.
8:47 I got Fun Dip.
That’s what I did with my commercial break. CNN on the other hand hid a microphone under a seat. It was like a live audience giveaway- “Everyone look under your chair- whoever has the microphone gets a free Godfather’s Pizza. And a little complimentary groping!”
8:53 There is a magical area… where all of the bad is.
I am pretty sure Perry thinks all the bad people in the world get together and have a meeting. Just hang out. Shits and giggles.
I’m having George Bush/Will Ferrel axis of evil flashback.
8:57 Aids. Africa. George Bush.
Santorum wants us to come to the aid of people. Spread our values.
Spread that Santorum around.
9:01 I’ve stopped listening.
I am now reading Tweets, as they are more interesting than anything happening on screen.
Current favorite? @CharlesMBlow.
Ohhh Rick Santorum. Africa is a continent. Made up of many countries.
9:08 The Supercommittee… Who are we kidding?
President Obama is not a leader ya’ll.
But Perry is. He has a 20,000 + National Guard. Commander in chief of the Texas National Guard.
If only I could count the number of times Ol’ Texas has been invaded.
9:14 Laugh Out Loud Tweet #2
9:21 My Mom Called.
I now have the debate paused.
She has been sick all week. It’s the first time all week I’ve talked to her and she hasn’t been HACKING into the phone. She had bronchitis. It was gross.
In other useless news, ISU Women’s Basketball won tonight. Mom is now sharing that she could have been on the opposing team. Apparently they were tiny. And not good. And my little 5ft physical education major mother feels she could have made the team. Awesome.
9:27 And I’m Back to the Debate.
Ron Paul wants to cancel the war on drugs.
What I wouldn’t give for him to start talking about how much fun marijuana can be.
9:30 Hermain Cain Counts to 3
Cain proves that, unlike Perry, he can get all the way to three.
We’re all so proud.
9:32 Shining. City. Hill.
Look Santorum, we get it. America. City. Hill.
Funny Tweet #3:
9:34 Newt Gingrich won’t stop talking.
As it turns out, the thing Newt wants, in exchange for not kicking people out of the country is immigrants going to church. That proves they are real Americans.
But seriously, remember at the beginning of the debate when Newt seemed concerned about the amount of time he was allowed to talk? Yeah me too. I miss that.
9:35 @jon2012Girls make things more fun.
9:41 I’m slowing down.
I can’t decide if it’s because the candidates are getting sleepy and boring or if I am caring less.
On the other hand, I am slightly warming up to old Newt-y up there.
I love that he says that the party of “family” shouldn’t be trying to tear families apart.
If only he was ok with other families- you know ones that look like this:
Then I might like him even more. Sadly he prefers families that involve wife 1, wife 2 and a few mistresses. The old fashioned way.
9:47 Just discovered that Newt looks oddly like my father.
Oddly, he too had issues keeping it in his pants.
And I’m back to disliking Newt.
9:51 Huntsman just needs to jump ship.
I agree. Huntsman/Paul would be an interesting ticket.
Unfortunately this will NEVER happen.
9:54 America isn’t apologizing
Romney feels Pres. Obama’s apologies for America is what is causing all of our problems.
Oddly, I was under the impression that the former president, which the rest of the world was not all that fond of, is what began the need for all these apologies.
9:56 Rick Santorum is concerned about the spread of Socialism. And Communism.
What century is this??
9:57 God Love Ron Paul
What worries him most? American’s acting like assholes. Going to Afghanistan. Pissing off other countries.
That worries me too. Right after the likelihood of one of THESE assholes getting elected.
9:58 Perry is most concerned about China’s morals. And all their abortions.
I really hope Huntsman rips him a new one.
Huntsman feels we should look at the issues at home. And not worry about China’s apparent rabid abortions.
What can I say? I am deeply saddened. We made it through the evening without Perry saying Oops, Ron Paul blowing up in little bitty pieces out of frustration or Hermain Cain offering to fondle anyone.
On the other hand, we did confuse the concept of country and continent. And decided to racially profile everyone, who is a color other than white or black. Completely black or white.
As much as I’d love to stick around and watch the commentators rehash what just happened, I need to salvage what is left of my evening- turning on Food Network and drinking wine.
Thank you for joining me for this experiment in live blogging.